Square Stage


Singing was fun when I was 4.

I was shy and would rather not think about the future.

I didn't have a time concept anyway so I didn't make any moves until I was 12. I said I can play piano, but the books were not fun, they tortured me with the songs in the booklet, I didn't want to play. Then one day some challenge found me. 

I was back to the piano classroom to pick up my notes that I forgot. There was a competition in the room, to become the next singer of the school band. People were singing the song I was used to practicing in the shower. I don't know what changed, but I said 'I know that song' while passing by. That's all I was able to say. Then the judge or instructor made me sing it. I sang it like a robot. She said, 'sing it for real'. I closed my eyes, it was a bit cold outside and hot inside, I was shaking a bit but saw a spotlight under my eyelids and just focused. When I opened my eyes, people looked at me with acceptance and I became the singer of the band. When that spotlight became real for the first time, it was not easy. I didn't have any friends and wasn't surrounded by the loved ones. I couldn't hear myself and there were too many people watching, maybe I can find more excuses if I try. Then they booed me. I left the stage and ran to the bathroom and cried. The pain was so big, because I felt doomed. I wanted to do that, but people made fun of me. The judge/instructor came and told me to come back and continue the show. I said 'it's over', like a boss. Like a desperate boss, picking up the last pieces of my pride on the floor. She said 'if you don't, I'll find someone else.' I didn't get offended. That's the good thing about pride. It makes you a magician; you can disappear it and then bring it back when you want to. So I instead said, 'ok I'll stay in the band'. Then things changed in time. People started to really like my performances and even ask for autographs after the shows. A lot of hugs, sincere conversations felt like a stairway to heaven. I learned not to care about being shot on the stage because I'm only trying to meet me anyway, although time, episodes, events and places may change. When I meet me, I become free to be my own king. It's kind of like in the movie 'Being There'. I guess I'm not scared of opinions anymore.